The day isn't over, but it looks as if Lily will not make her grand debut on my birthday. There's a big part of me that is thankful that she wasn't, but I think there is an even bigger part of me that wonders if I should feel that way. It's not been a great day like birthdays should be.
My final doctor's appointment was today. Final, because we have made the decision to induce on Thursday, provided Lily hasn't gotten here yet. Basically, I'm emotionally deflated,and I feel as if I have lost all control of a situation I had very little control of. I cried on the way to the doctor's office thinking, "I am not ready to face pregnant women today." It didn't help when the nurse asked what I was having and what I planned on naming her. I hate being at the doctor's office, crying. I feel like it puts this big target on me that says, "Hey, I'm that one whose shoes you DON'T want to be in. Breathe a sigh of relief. It's me, not you."
Honestly, today would not have been so bad, except I learned something I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know about. The doctor told me not to stress over this, and I'm trying not to, but I learned about meconium. I mean, I knew what it was. I just didn't know that a baby had more chances of breathing it in once she passes her due date. Being 1 1/2 weeks overdue, Lily's chances of breathing it in increase. Why is this child being so stubborn?! Now I feel as if I have no choice but to give the go-ahead for induction, and that's why I feel as if I've lost all control over this situation. I put so much faith in going by Lily's terms, and now I have to give that up. That scares me.
The comments some of you have left have been very comforting. Thank you for reminding me that all of my decisions have been out of love for Lily. I cannot deny that. It's just very hard to accept that the decisions that have been made out of the biggest of love might not be enough. There's been a part of me this whole time that has said, "My child will have our stubborn hearts. She has come this far, she can go even farther." I have imagined life with her, despite the difficulties, and I've accepted that challenge. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but this emotional exhaustion has overwhelmed me. As much as I should be ready for a day like Thursday, under these circumstances, I'm dreading it.
So, Thursday morning, 6 - 6:30 am. That's when I'm to report to the hospital. Stay tuned. . .
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Thursday sounds like a perfect birthday for Lily! I will be praying for her to come BEFORE then but now we know that by the end of this week you will be holding her, looking at her, singing to her, praying with her, talking to her, taking pictures of her, dressing her, cuddling with her, and most of all just enjoying her.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that you don't even know that I'm STALKING your blog for updates. I just can't help myself! Keep me posted and call me ANYTIME (I don't even mind a 3:00 in the morning wake up call).
I had my plans for a hypnobirth thwarted as well. And had a C-section out of love for Vera. Keep talking to her to prepare her, to welcome her, to let her know not to be afraid...nothing beats a mothers calming voice!
ReplyDeleteTake comfort in the fact that the doctors are well prepared for Lily and they wouldn't do anything to traumatize Lily during childbirth. They know the challenges going in to the birth and they will be ready to guide her through birth. Some mothers are unaware of any special circumstances, but you and Dave and all of the doctors are ready to bring her into this world unharmed! We can't wait to hear from you Thursday, but of course would love to hear something today or tomorrow! My prayers will be focused on your entire family!
ReplyDeleteLove, Yvonne
jill - you're about to meet this little miracle and even though you are emotionally drained you will be so relieved when she arrives!
ReplyDeleteyou know you are covered in prayers and especially on thursday morning as i get up and prepare for work, i will be lifting up you, dave, lily, and ya'lls whole family!
i'm praying for peace, comfort, joy, and rest!
Jill,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know that you are in my prayers and I'm thinking of you daily. Please, please let us help out in any way. If you need someone to take Gabriel for a little while or a meal or anything let us know!!
Love,
Lynda (803)645-1305
Please call if you need anything.
**HUGS**
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to not feel bad about the mec/induction issue. While induction has been shown to decrease aspiration, it has had -no- impact at all on perinatal mortality. Probably due to the improvements in how meconium is dealt with now. (www.pubmed.com)
We will be praying for your family on Thursday.
p.s. I do second the recommendation to be talking to Lily and letting her know what is coming up. If you want gentle natural induction methods you can find things at http://www.gentlebirth.org/archives We did a "natural" augmentation of labor using a breastpump to stimulate oxytocin.
All of the decisions that you make 'out of the biggest love' are more than sufficient! Just remember, it's not your plan... It's His. I know how hard it is to accept this. Like me, you probably love parts of His plan - and really, really don't like parts of His plan. It is to mold and shape us, to show us things we otherwise could not see completely clearly.
ReplyDeleteI am sooooo looking forward to hearing about (and seeing pictures of!) your meeting Lily.
Shannon