Complications

The day isn't over, but it looks as if Lily will not make her grand debut on my birthday. There's a big part of me that is thankful that she wasn't, but I think there is an even bigger part of me that wonders if I should feel that way. It's not been a great day like birthdays should be.

My final doctor's appointment was today. Final, because we have made the decision to induce on Thursday, provided Lily hasn't gotten here yet. Basically, I'm emotionally deflated,and I feel as if I have lost all control of a situation I had very little control of. I cried on the way to the doctor's office thinking, "I am not ready to face pregnant women today." It didn't help when the nurse asked what I was having and what I planned on naming her. I hate being at the doctor's office, crying. I feel like it puts this big target on me that says, "Hey, I'm that one whose shoes you DON'T want to be in. Breathe a sigh of relief. It's me, not you."

Honestly, today would not have been so bad, except I learned something I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know about. The doctor told me not to stress over this, and I'm trying not to, but I learned about meconium. I mean, I knew what it was. I just didn't know that a baby had more chances of breathing it in once she passes her due date. Being 1 1/2 weeks overdue, Lily's chances of breathing it in increase. Why is this child being so stubborn?! Now I feel as if I have no choice but to give the go-ahead for induction, and that's why I feel as if I've lost all control over this situation. I put so much faith in going by Lily's terms, and now I have to give that up. That scares me.

The comments some of you have left have been very comforting. Thank you for reminding me that all of my decisions have been out of love for Lily. I cannot deny that. It's just very hard to accept that the decisions that have been made out of the biggest of love might not be enough. There's been a part of me this whole time that has said, "My child will have our stubborn hearts. She has come this far, she can go even farther." I have imagined life with her, despite the difficulties, and I've accepted that challenge. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but this emotional exhaustion has overwhelmed me. As much as I should be ready for a day like Thursday, under these circumstances, I'm dreading it.

So, Thursday morning, 6 - 6:30 am. That's when I'm to report to the hospital. Stay tuned. . .