Thursday, April 23, 2009


I've hesitated writing this post because I wasn't sure it was appropriate for this site and also because I've faltered with the right words to say. I'm still faltering, but I decided to go ahead and post because this, too, is part of my journey.

You may be wondering: ST ENDS? Maybe I should add another clue: BE FRI. Any ideas? When I was younger, my best friend and I had these charms. They were in the shape of a split heart that together said BEST FRIENDS. The letters were separated into BE FRI and ST ENDS. I thought I still had my side, but I didn't see it where I keep my jewelry. Maybe one of my girls has it.

I don't have a sister, but she was the closest person to being my sister. She was the truest best friend a girl could have. One day, when we were driving around, we were sitting in silence. One of us (probably her) (oh, and I don't remember the details because she has the better memory-- but I can tell you exactly where we were when it was said). So, one of us said, "You know you're with your best friend when you can drive around, sitting in a car, completely silent, and still feel comfortable." That's the kind of best friend she was. There was just that connection. We had fun, we'd laugh ourselves to sleep, and we both LOVED Bon Jovi! What more could you ask for?

But those days of the best friend charm and BFF (best friends forever) and LYLAS (love ya like a sister) at the bottom the numerous letters we passed throughout the day have slid past us.

It's different now. We're older. Things have changed. You see, my best friend moved away in high school. Before she moved away, we had a falling out, but then became friends again, which was about when I found out she was moving. Our friendship held regardless of the move, even though we didn't keep in touch with one another as much. Still, we visited one another throughout the years and re-established lost time each time, despite new families and jobs and lifestyle changes.

It's funny how life works. There seemed to be another time, not too long ago, when we had another falling out, egged on by a mutual acquaintance who couldn't stand that we were best friends. I feel so stupid that I was blind to his maliciousness. But that is in the past and definitely behind me. We are friends again, and though we still don't keep in touch with one another as much, when we do talk on the phone, we're on the phone for hours! I feel like a teenager again when I'm on the phone with her.

Despite the falling outs and the distance, I still feel as if I have that connection with her (I can only hope it's mutual). In the past month, there have been a few things that have confirmed that. I'll share one. She had to have eye surgery. Her surgery was supposed to be on a Monday. My whole intention was to call her that day and see how the surgery went, but I forgot. I hate to admit that I didn't even think about it. It wasn't until the Wednesday after that I remembered her surgery. When I called, I found out that her surgery was rescheduled to THAT DAY! Now, that might not be such an astounding confirmation, but I see it that way, especially when coupled with the other small confirmations.

You see, I'm totally amazed because she left such a wonderful complement as a comment the other day. I don't deserve such a complement, but I am touched by it. But you've got to know something about her. After she found out about Lily, she went online and did countless hours of research. Now, Dave and I did a lot of research, but she went above and beyond what we did. She shared so much that she had learned about, including a website where the creator of the site writes the names of babies who have passed away in the sand and then takes pictures of them and posts them on her website. She had so much more to share! She's following this blog and waiting to hear that Lily is here. While she's not here--oh, how I wish she were--, she shares my sadness with me. I am honored by her friendship! And even though she won't be here for Lily's birth, her spirit will be right beside me through all of it. I take comfort in that. So does Lily.

1 comment:

  1. I still have BE FRI. It's safely tucked away in my jewelry box! I also remember (which you didn't mention!) that we debated for quite some time on who got that side of it. I guess it just sounded cooler when we were 13! I still have the penny you remember that?

    Those "falling outs" are long in the past. Notice those two things were directly related to someone else. Our bond will never be broken. I have "our" senior picture in my wallet and as I rummage through it daily, I see our picture. I think about how many years have actually passed! We were in seventh grade, about 12 years old when we met! And you thought I dressed funny!

    By the way, that was my insightful line used in the car, but I didn't just say it to break the silence. Every time I feel awkward silence with others, I think of that moment.

    I wish so badly that I could be there for you, Dave and your four children. Know that I am thinking of you constantly.

    I feel honored that you shared this with so many people and on this beautiful site.

    Jill, somehow we got away from saying this but... I love you and I miss you.