Maybe there's a certain kind of shock involved in all of this.
And there are certain aspects of it all that I just keep going back to. Like the first morning.
Dave and I had texted early Monday morning, around 4:00, and the thought was that I would just go to work as normal, probably try to take a half day, and be at the hospital around noon. Things felt comfortable in that decision.
Two hours later, I got a text from him saying Lily wasn't doing so well. I might want to get the kids and get to the hospital. That was not what I expected. At all.
I just remember feeling panicked. The kids were all asleep. I had to not only call into work, but I also had to put in for a sub. I just remember sitting at the computer, hands shaking, crying, "Oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD! OH. MY. GOD!" A crescendo of prayers and pleas and disbelief and panic and fear all balled up into those three words. Even reliving those words, here, now, brings a certain aftershock from that earthquake that rocked my soul. I think my body even composed a quick tuck, a deep breath, and a muttered, "Help me do this, Lord" before I got up and figuratively and literally got it all together.
Luckily, my in-laws got to the house before I left, so I was on the road to the hospital alone. And this is the part I feel compelled to share. While my legs felt like rubber and my thoughts were on how I couldn't wait to get to Lily and sing our "Jolly Holiday" song, there was also this sensation of peace that seemed to be floating all around me.
It's the same sensation I felt in the PICU. Now sure, I was worried, but through it all, that whisper of peace hovered around that room.
One of my favorite songs these days is a song called "Just Be Held" by the band Casting Crowns. While my favorite line in the song is "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place," I think this song more powerfully describes exactly what that peace I felt in the car and in hospital was.
I was simply being. . .held.
Take a listen:
So tonight, my prayer, my friend, is that whatever your trouble, no matter how minor, that you, too, find the peace in Him when you give all that trouble over and Just. Be. Held.