Friday, February 27, 2009


I've added a new song to my playlist--I Will Carry You. Songwriters amaze me. There are some songs out there that touch the very soul of my existence. This is one of them. It often makes me wonder how the writers know what I'm going through, but I guess such is the human condition that we are bound to find others who are going through the same thoughts and feelings that we go through. (I've found mine on the community board.)

I can't listen to this song without choking up. I cry out of sadness but also because there is such beauty in knowing that God is going to take care of Lily when she reaches Heaven, which the singer proclaims.

But there is more to my sadness. Dave and I stepped out of our comfort zones and visited the funeral home the other day to make funeral arrangements in the event Lily doesn't make it. I was crying before we even stepped through the door. It's such an odd thing, making these arrangements for your own child. Never in my life did I think I would have to do this for a baby.

I'm comforted that this funeral home will treat her as if she is a part of their own family. The director himself assured me that he would be the one handling her, and he gave me his promise. They are going to take care of us. We've decided not to have a viewing. That's a little too much. Dave suggested not having one, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't want to remember her that way. We're just going to keep it simple and have a small graveside service. She will be buried in the little church cemetery where my nana is buried. There's one angel who will take care of her.

Choosing the casket has been all up to me. Dave doesn't want to do that. I totally respect his need not to help. So I sat yesterday with the brochure in hand and looked at caskets. This was not a task I wanted to do alone. Not because I needed someone else's strength, but because I needed someone to assure me that I picked the perfect one for our little girl. Then there was the thought of what the casket represents. It's so hard to stay strong when you're imagining the finality the closing lid brings. That visit has put the weight of sadness back on my shoulders. Poor Lily. I hate that she feels this.


  1. I'll help you pick out her casket if you want me to.

  2. I Will Carry You was co-written by Angie Smith. She's Todd Smith's wife. While not Trisomy 18, their journey is not unlike our own.

    I don't know if it helps, but this is the casket we chose for Owen... We picked the one on the right hand side, but we opted for plain (without the rainbow & Noah's ark embroidery).

    Please, you are welcome to ask any question at all... I know it's really hard to not feel guilty about planning for birth and death, while holding out hope. Hope and Faith were all that brought me through.

  3. Hey there girl,

    How are you doing?? These decisions are so difficult aren't they? It's hard because you know you need to get them done but at the same time it makes you feel like you are getting closer to the end. I hope that you are able to find some peace through out this process and find comfort knowing that every decision is made from the love of a mother's heart. Lily only has one mommy and she is blessed.

    Sending you all my love,

  4. luckily, picking the casket and handling the funeral arrangemetns was something that my Dad wanted to do and was able to do.....becuase Maddox was born so early and she was so tiny we didn't have an option on caskets...we were only able to get the "cherub casket"....however, time is coming when justin and i will have to go pick out the head stone....i'm praying for you and if i can help, even from Birmingham, AL, i'd be more than happy to..

    all our love -
    loni hodge