The appointment

Today's doctor's appointment really wasn't all that bad. I had a book, so my eyes burned holes in the pages to keep my concentration on anything other than the girl whose whole family was there to see her ultrasound (and it was a big family!). Unfortunately, my book ended a little too soon. I had to close my eyes and allow myself to doze for a few minutes.

It's always the exam room that really gets me. It made sense the first time--all the pregnancy posters hanging around--, but this time, the only poster was the cross-section of a woman's body. Maybe it's just my strength finally falters. Again, I had that lump rise up in my throat, and it took all I had to push it down. I think it was the view from the room. There was this house that was mostly hidden from the trees that surrounded it. Scenes like that always get me. It's so beautiful how the house tries to hide. I don't know why it got me thinking about Lily and wishing her strength, but that lump showed up again, and I had to go get a People magazine (which I rarely ever read) and strictly concentrate on Gwyenth Paltrow and how she's 40 years old.

Lily's heart beats at 150. It's been in the 140s and 130s, so this was a big surprise! The doctor doesn't seem to be concerned with the polyhydramnios, and he doesn't think we need to continue going to the high-risk doctor (= $avings!). He says he's talked to the neonatologist and wanted to know how that conversation went when Dave and I met with him. . .I did tell him today that I'll still need a referral. Oh, and he won't be around Master's week, so if I go into labor, one of his partners will have to deliver Lily.

Which leads me to the birth plan. That document I've been putting off for too long. It looks like Dave and I will need to get that in order within the next two weeks so I can take it in when I go for my next appointment. Then he can share it with his partners in the event I go into labor Master's week. I'm not looking forward to the decisions we're going to have to make. It's just not going to be easy to sit and listen if she becomes distressed during labor (because I've opted not to have an emergency c-section). I don't want our decisions to seem as if we've given up on Lily, but we're letting her strength guide us after her birth. My motherly selfishness wants her to fight for her life, even though my heart tells me that eventually, she'll tire of fighting. I can't let her go through ventilators and invasive means when she just wants to go to sleep and see Heaven. But I can't let her go, either. At least, I don't want to. And so my birth plan will have to teeter along both lines. I just don't know when it's right to cross them and when it's right to stay on this side. Making decisions has never been my strong point.