Comfortably Numb

I had another ultrasound today. For the most part, no changes. They're still thinking Lily has a pelvic kidney, but no heart abnormalities have been found. Still, the doctors can't promise anything about her birth. There seems to be hypoplasia of the cerebellum (?), which indicates neurological deficiencies, but that has always been expected. Oh, and I now have polyhydramnios--too much amniotic fluid--which could possibly send me into preterm labor and make my pregnancy uncomfortable, among other things.

Dave and I also saw the neonatologist. He recommends letting Lily guide us. So, if she's strong and willing to fight, we leave it up to her. We're pretty convinced not to have an emergency c-section. The major factor driving that decision is that I want to be a coherent as possible when she's born. I don't want any possibility that I'll forget the few moments I may have with her.

I'm thinking of Pink Floyd's song, "Comfortably Numb," tonight. Not really listening to the lyrics, I have always thought of that song as some drug induced stupor that the band members were trying to describe. I've never done drugs, so I have no idea if that's what they were talking about, but today I have felt comfortably numb. I did not cry or even feel like crying while getting my ultrasound. Nor did I cry while talking to the neonatologist. While we were with him, my mind kept thinking, "This is a dream. This can't be happening. We shouldn't have to be here talking with this man." Feeling has flown out the window today, and it's comfortable. I'm not weighted by sadness, but I'm laughing with the tracks. I don't really like being this way because my body feels like a void--I'm just going through the motions, no control. On the flip side, I've cried at every ultrasound, so it was a bit of a relief not to cry at today's. It was nice to be able to express myself to the neonatologist and not need a tissue. I just needed a day off.