Mistakes

Blogging isn't easy. It's usually late or I'm trying to write a few words while Dave is in the shower with Gabriel or the tv is on and I can't concentrate. Plus, it's writing. I used to teach English, and I know all about audience. I try to write with a perspective that leaves no question marks, but it's not easy.

I think I've concerned some of my readers, so I just wanted to take a few paragraphs and explain. In an earlier blog, I said that my prayers and wishes were not the same. I then said that "I just cannot pray for Lily to not have T-18." I should have elaborated. I do pray for her to not have T-18, but it's totally conditional. Here's how I explained it to a friend in an email:

"When I said that my prayers weren't for her healing, I meant that my prayers weren't like my wishes. My wishes are strong and full of such desire. My prayers are not the fervent, trusting, I-know-you-will-heal-her type. They are missing that desiring expectation. It's not that I don't have faith in God. Oh, I do. It's just I believe wholeheartedly in His will in this matter. Like I said in a previous blog, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with Lily. Therefore, I believe that exactly what is supposed to happen, will. I believe that with all of my heart, and it is one thing that comforts me in this situation because it gives me a tremendous trust in God. Yet it drives me to find out why I'm in this situation. What is supposed to come out of this."

To give you a visual, I'm lifting Lily up, and I'm saying, "Here, God. Here she is. You know what is best for her, and I trust you for that." It leaves me struggling, though, which way would God rather it be? For us to totally trust Him with our situation or for us to trust that the situation will turn out the way we want it to, a way that brings His miracles to light. Really. I have no idea.