Saturday, May 16, 2009

Mnemonic devices

As an educator, I know that one way for students to remember things is to give them mnemonic devices. PEMDAS, Roy G. Biv, Thirty days hath September. I guess there are mnemonic devices out there for helping people associate names with faces, but are there any out there that will store in my memory the little things about Lily that I'm so afraid I'll forget if she happens to leave us? Things that a photograph may or may not pick up.

Lily has her next doctor's appointment tomorrow. I fear this appointment. What if the doctor hears a heart murmur this time, signifying that dreaded VSD (ventricular septal defect)--that needle-point sized hole in the heart that the ultrasound never picked up, the one that eventually causes congestive heart failure, the one that may not show itself until weeks after the baby's birth. The one I'm praying Lily doesn't have. My motherly fear won't let me forget about it.

My heart breaks thinking about it because I can stare at Lily all day long, trying to memorize her, and I'm so afraid that maybe I've not had her long enough to where she'll constantly be ingrained into my mind's eye. It's bad enough if I forget about the little line underneath her bottom lip or the way her second toe is crazily longer than her big one or how her little fingers overlap in that classic Trisomy 18 way. But what if I forget how she looks--her little monkey face when she purses her lips, her leave-me-alone face, how she curls up when we lay her on her back and she rolls over to her side? Things I don't want to forget about.

In essence, I'm terrified for tomorrow, and even though I'm hoping for the best, I'm preparing myself for the worst. I hate that I'm even thinking in that way--it's making me sick thinking about it in that way--but I tried the whole pregnancy to prepare myself for every possible situation. I guess I'm still up to my old tricks.


  1. I am praying so hard that fear will leave you. I am praying that the doctor will have only good news. Praying that these precious memories you are making with Lily will sustain you for a lifetime.

    Much love from California,

  2. Will be praying for you and this appt. Praying that it is not there and if it is that you are reassured. I am so happyt that you are making such memories but I am hoping that you are blessed with so much time!
    Annabel is doing well with her heart and they consider her VSD to be large. So God can do wonderful things.

  3. Heavenly Father, surround Jill with your love and presence; be by her side and remove her fear; Let her feel your arms carrying her as she holds your beautiful creation .. your miracle and her miracle, beautiful Lily Grace ... Grace, Oh Father, the grace is so enormous and reality is so real ... we are human and Jill is an exceptional human; she is your child and loves and trusts you for each slice of her "daily bread" ... feed her with your love and reassure her ... that her memories are in her heart and in her mind and I pray, Lord, I come, with all her prayer warriors, and ask you give her many days and weeks and years with this incredible Angel, Lily ... we come to you, in the name of your Son, Amen ....

  4. Lily will be in good hands... remember that God loves children... it is just a reality check... God gave us problems that we can resolve in the future... be optimistic...
    i'm like you in a way... i have a 2y.o. daughter that have large vsd about 1.2 cm (imagine that?) i was liked you before... her doctor recommend an open heart surgery asap but we have limited resources... right now we are dealing with her everyday life and only time can tell when she'll be okay