Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Yea, though I walk through the valley. . .

. . .of the shadow of death.

I am in a valley. Not just a valley. That valley. The one where Death is casting his shadow, lurking behind his opportunity to strike. I just don’t know when that opportunity is going to stand aside and allow Death to beckon our little girl, “Come.”

. . .I will fear no evil.

I must confess. At one time, I was afraid. It was not enough to lean on God or Dave or anyone else who offered to build a fortress of strength for me. I feared the unknown. Would I miscarry? Would Lily be stillborn? Would I have to put a lifetime of love into 22 minutes or three hours or three days? Could Lily survive? This fear gripped me no matter where I turned.

I do not feel that way today. I wish I could say that God took that fear away or that Dave was my gallant knight who slew her. Actually, it was the words of my assistant, Linda-- words that had nothing to do with Lily, but these words gave me a new perspective on this unknown, taking away my fear.

One day we were talking about how Dave and I have discussed moving to Charleston. I talked about how I’ve lived here all of my life and that moving would be a little scary for me. Oh, she said, I loved it when my husband was in the Air Force and we never knew where we were going to live next or even when we were going to move. I just thought it was such an adventure! Here she was, faced with the unknown, and she looked at it as if it was an adventure. There I stood, faced with the unknown, and I looked at it with fear. Maybe I should change my perspective. Maybe I should look at this journey as an adventure. This might take a while.

Actually, it didn’t take as long as I expected. I don’t know how I was able to change my perspective within a matter of days, but I guess my desire to let go of that fear was strong enough that I could do so.

I do not look at our journey’s unknown with fear today. I face it as if it’s an adventure. The road is not smooth, but I am well-equipped with the thoughts and prayers of those around me. I am not alone. Dave is my companion on this journey. My family is right by our sides. There is a shadow, but we have The Light. There is no need to fear anymore.

On a side note, tomorrow I go for my second Level 2 ultrasound. I have no idea what to expect, but I'm holding on to the last ultrasound results where the doctor said he didn't see anything wrong with the heart. Lily's kidneys are questionable, so we'll see. It is hard for me to ask for prayers at this point. I want to ask for a healthy heart and kidneys and other organs, but what if it is in God's plan for Lily to have problems? How can we ask for what we want and respect His will at the same time? Who am I trying to fool? He knows my heart. I don't have to ask. He knows that in the deepest crevices I long for a healthy baby, and if that's not possible, then I long for a baby with minimal problems, and if that's not possible. . .

And yet another side note. I have been following this blog called O Love That Will Not Let Me Go. It's another Trisomy 18 blog. This one is about a little girl named Magdalena Grace Roberts. I can't remember how long little Magdalena has lived in our world (not quite a year, maybe), but I just read today that she has gained her wings. I am deeply saddened for this family. Even though you may not be familiar with their story, please add them to your thoughts and prayers tonight.

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