Saturday, January 17, 2009

Love pouring

Today, something very weird happened. I was lying on the couch, considering a nap, and I started thinking about Lily. I projected my thoughts to the time of her birth. I thought about two of the options we can choose when she is born: putting her immediately on my chest when she is born and skin-to-skin contact. I must have been totally wrapped up in that thought because the next thing I knew, I just felt this adrenalized love pouring from my heart. Then I felt Lily kick, and it jolted me back into the moment. I had not felt many kicks this morning, so I couldn't help but wonder if she somehow felt that love pouring out of me.

I'd like to think that it's that love that will enable her to survive, that will enable her to rise above this condition. When I see the ultrasound pictures and the doctor has nothing to comment on, I can't help but wish it to be so.

Speaking of the ultrasound, I called my high-risk doctor to ask about the banana-shaped cerebellum. The sonographer looked at the pictures of her spine and said that the spine is fine and that this isn't a case of anencephaly (thank God!) I asked her about the cerebellum, and she said that what she saw wasn't as banana-shaped as the other sonographer led us to believe. From the little amount of research I've done, it seems as if the cerebellum's main function is to control movement. I'm trying to find out if it has anything to do with the involuntary muscles, wondering what it is that causes most of these babies to be unable to survive.

But it may have to do with something else. I read a quote from another blog the other night. I think the majority of you will praise this quote as I did. I'm sorry I don't know the author; all I know is that the child's name is Sabrina.
Ultrasounds cannot tell you about the strength of the human soul and the desires of an unborn child.
Anyway, it touches the heart of what the medical community just seems to have trouble understanding. But even if Lily doesn't have the strength to make it to her due date, I celebrate each day knowing that she had the strength to make it to today. I thank God for every day that we are closer to April 21 and for Lily's strength.

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