Friday, January 23, 2009

No regrets

I had another doctor's appointment today, one of those routine four week visits. Once again, I underestimated how difficult it would be sitting around all of those supposedly normal pregnancies. The couple I sat across from was there for an ultrasound. This was going to be a "keepsake" ultrasound, and they were going to get to see their baby in 3D/4D. I've not scheduled a keepsake ultrasound.

I refuse to suffer from what I call the Schindler Syndrome. If you've ever seen the movie Schindler's List, then you know at the end, he regrets the little that he didn't do. I could have sold this, he says, as he looks at his watch, realizing the number of lives he could have saved.

Regret. I try to form my decisions based on what I will not regret, but sometimes, I just don't know. For instance, will I regret not scheduling a keepsake ultrasound for Lily? That thought just seems so superficial to me when compared to all the other decisions we're faced with making right now--decisions that could possibly delay the inevitable, maybe. Decisions no parents should ever have to make.

Once I got into the exam room and looked around at all the birthing pictures, I lost it. There was the ultrasound poster, with the ultrasound pictures of the perfect little babies, and there was the cross-cut picture of the birthing process. That one got me thinking: how ironic. Here I am, loving Lily so much, and labor, the work of my body, may send her over the edge. Now, just so you know, I'm not at all blaming myself for what may happen to her. It's just that I know the extra stress labor can put on Trisomy 18 babies.

My doctor frustrates me. He can't get "incompatible with life" out of his head. I know he's just trying to keep our hope in check, but we don't need him to do that. We feel as if we're doing a good job keeping our hope in check. What we need is to know that everyone who handles our child will respect the life that we are fighting for. As someone from a discussion group I participate in said, She is compatible with MY life. And she is. By choosing to continue with this pregnancy, we willingly chose everything that goes along with it--the fight, the joy, the heartache, the unknown. We had no doubts. We will have no regrets with that decision.

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