Tales from 2am (Ch. 1)

It's 2 o'clock. I'm in the living room, in the dark, feeding Lily. I'm sitting in the chair, head leaning back, eyes closed. I hear it, the grunt and then the sound that resembles someone forcefully squeezing ketchup out of a squirt bottle. My eyes open. Ugh. Maybe it's a false alarm. I close my eyes again. A few seconds pass. There it is again. I'm definitely changing a diaper tonight. I begin to worry after I hear it the third time. By the time the fifth one gets around, I'm thinking I bet I have poop all over me. I feel around Lily's diaper area. Nothing. I've said before that I don't believe in luck, but this moment might have just changed that notion. Twelve minutes have passed and I'm thinking that it's time to burp Lily. Wait a minuteHow am I going to do that? I mean, moving Lily from a lying down position to a burping position usually requires a hand under the diaper area. Do I really want to do that? I'm faced with a burning conflict. If I don't burp Lily, this could mean disaster in another sense. Which to do? Burp or diaper? I lift Lily to my shoulder, give her three quick taps. No burp? Time for a diaper change. I lay her on the blanket we left on the floor, propping her head on her little pillow. Please, no reflux, too.
I'm expecting blowout, so I check around Liy's body to see if it's all over her. Nothing. Wow! I unzip the sleeper she's in to find what I'm dreading--blowout. Fortunately, it didn't bleed through her sleeper. Gerber got it right. Huggies did not. Honestly, I've seen plenty of blowouts, but I've never seen one to get underneath the diaper tabs until this moment. I'm staring at the mess. Poop has leaked everywhere, and I'm trying to decide how I'm going to clean this up. I'm faced with a task that the world's best tactician couldn't handle. This requires strategy. At least I don't have to pull this outfit over her head. I try to maneuver Lily and her sleeper and the diaper while also trying to keep it contained on her small blanket. You see, we just got new carpet installed for whoever buys our house. Please let all bodily functions stay where they belong.
My use of wipes blows Dave's two-wipes-per-diaper change calculation. I use two on Lily's hands, five on her back, and seven on her behind. According to his calculation, I've just changed 6 1/2 diapers. Looking at what's in the diaper and what was on Lily, it should have been 6 1/2 diapers. But she's now clean. I put a onesie on her, go back to the chair, and get back down to business.

It's two thirty am. I'm in the living room, in the dark, feeding Lily. I'm sitting in the chair, head leaning back, eyes closed. I hear it. . .

Ah, the joys of motherhood.