Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Another doctor's appointment today. This one wasn't so bad, but maybe that's because Dave was with me. He's such a beautiful source of strength for me. I didn't even feel out of place or choke up. Nothing new. Lily's heartbeat started off at 129 but ended strong at 143. I'm measuring 33 and something weeks (but I'm 34 1/2 weeks). We talked to the doctor more about a c-section and induction, but we come back to the decision we've made that Lily will dictate to us how her delivery is going to go.

I walk the tightrope on the induction decision, balancing between the two possibilities. For one, if we deliver early, Lily might not be as developed as possible, so she might not be ready. On the other hand--and I know to a point, she's safe inside me--, there comes a time where some of these babies' lives cannot be sustained inside the mother toward the end of the pregnancy. It's not easy to sit here and confidently say that we're listening to Lily. It's more like we're listening to Lily? with the question mark dangling at the end, bearing our hope that we are making the right decision. But there is a part of me that knows this is the right thing for us to do.

I think it has something to do with the Christmas Eve before my nana died. We were all at her house, having our annual Christmas Eve get-together. (My nana had emphysema, so she was on oxygen. There were times when she struggled to breath.) That night, she had a moment when she struggled. She looked up at me, and I'll never forget the look in her eyes. They pleaded with me, but not for help. For understanding. I knew that this was going to be her last Christmas with us because of that look. I believe she was telling me that she was tired. That she was ready to go Home. I cried as I drove home. I was not ready to let go, but it wasn't up to me.

Perhaps, remembering that look, I have learned to respect that there is a time when one needs to go Home. No matter what we know about Lily, no matter how much preparation we do, I'll never be ready to let go, but again, that is not up to me. The day draws nearer. Time will soon tell exactly how strong I am.


  1. You are a strong woman.

    Let me say it again...YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN!!!

    With that said, I am praying the Lord will guide you while you make these difficult decisions.

  2. Jill, I pray for you and Lily every night ... I too dread these impossible decisions and I hope she lets you know. It's all we can do to ask God and our girls to guide us, but it's so hard. Every decision you make is out of love, and Lily knows that and will always know that. Thinking of you!

  3. You and Lily are both strong...or you wouldn't be where you are today! Hang in there. We will be with you in thoughts and prayers.

  4. David, Jill and Lily, We used to live next door your mom and dad at the Oak Plantation Campground in Charleston, I was really taken a back when Patty sent me the email telling us about you. We put you right in our prayers! It's just taken me a while to write something because I experienced my child's death at the age of 16 from Muscular Dystrophy in 1984. I'll never forget how I felt when the Drs told me he had Muscular Dystrophy, it was like, no, it happens to other people not me, they have to be wrong, I didnt' even know what it really was. Well, it was a bittersweet experience for 16yrs, and a LOT of PRAYING. Willie Nelson once wrote a song 'It's not for you to understand' that song carried me through 16yrs, because I understood God blessed me with Monty for a reason, but only he knew why and it was not for me to understand, just do the best I could. I know your situation is completely different than mine was, I just wanted to share and let you know we pray for you, your family and little Lily. You and David are very strong people, with a lot of FAITH IN GOD. I'm sure you're passing this on to Lily. You also have so many people loving and supporting you, we are adding ourselves to the list! PS. Baby Lily, you are a very special little girl, you have strong parents and a loving God taking care of you, that's where you will get your strength from, plus many people praying for you when you make your appearance into our world no matter how long it will be. You are loved by so many people it's hard to imagine. God Bless you special little Lily.xoxoxoxo