Wednesday, March 18, 2009


There's numb, and then there's numb. It's amazing, the difference between the two. I've been walking around, numb, for a few months now. I think my brain/body had just said, enough! You can't sanely make us go through this much pain. Hence, the numbness. And it's so hard to explain. It's like every nerve ending in my body has just shut down. I'm here, but that's about it.

So much has gone on in the past few days that I've become numb. I never really knew that even existed, but I have this going-into-myself feeling, like a turtle in it's shell. I think it all started the other day when I read two mother's postings about their little girls' births. . .and deaths. . .on the T-18 website. I'd not read these type of announcements for a while. I was at work, so I had to hold in a greatly-needed cry. But more than that, there was this realization that I may be one of those mothers posting one of those announcements. . .soon. I mean, I have 4 weeks/1 day left. (Autumn was 4 weeks early.)

My world started crumbling.

Then, there's the birth plan. Dave and I worked on it over the weekend and finalized it last night. I'm embarrassed to say that it's 3 pages long. I can't help but thinking, those poor nurses. I hope they like to read. But it's heartbreaking that a birth plan is even necessary. We've put our wishes in the event Lily's born breathing; not breathing, but with a heartbeat; stillborn; thriving; health diminishing. Should there even have to be so many outcomes?

Break off another piece.

Plus, I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm not uncomfortable. I think it's just the stress of all of this is finally wearing on me. I'm excited, but fearful at the same time. Can those two emotions even co-exist within a person for the same situation?

I'm beginning to think Humpty Dumpty here. Is there any chance I will be put back together again?

Luckily, I have my distractions, but when all is quiet in the house, and my distractions are asleep, there is nothing left but numb.

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