Saturday, September 19, 2009

Appreciating the moment

Yesterday, I took Lily to another doctor's appointment. She was so sweet, just lying there. It was a beautiful moment. Her calmness had the capacity to just suck me into it, and I was able to stop and appreciate the moment.
I don't want to mislead anyone. Lily cries a lot, and we're trying to find out why. But this morning, she was not crying, and I was able to listen.
There are times when I hear this voice that says I'm sticking around for a long time. I try to shake my head of that voice, afraid that I'm holding the Bazooka Bubble gum wrapper where the fortune says What you think will happen, won't. But every time I hear that voice, my heart does a flip. It wants to pound out of my chest and for a small, sweet moment, I envision a little girl running and jumping into her mommy's arms. The two turning in circles and laughing. It's like my heart is pumped with endorphins. It's a hope that I know every Trisomy 18 mommy craves. Just as soon as it begins, I force it to end. I am afraid. I fear it all crashing to the ground, so I try to keep my thoughts in the here and now. Lily is with us here, right now! For that, I am thankful.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jill~

    My name is Karen Fahmer and I am mother to 4 amazing boys: Joshua, Jonathan, Jacob Ryan and Jeremiah. Jacob Ryan was born January 14th, 2008 and lived for 138 days with Trisomy 18. We blogged his every day, celebrated his every week with a birthday party and he was loved by everyone around him and the world. I see in your blog list many of my other mama "blogger friends" and I wanted to offer you my support and love. I just birthed Jeremiah a month ago so I am not online as much as I used to be but our blog is www.fahmer.blogspot.com. Jacob's life here was from Jan. 14-May31 and then we have had some amazing experiences since his death. Well, I hope to talk soon. Take care. Our blog email is babyjacobryan@gmail.com if you want to contact me. Oh, Michele Jamie told me about your blog. God Bless, Karen Fahmer

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  2. Yes, Lily is there with you right now...continue to live in the moment. I did and have no regrets, only much sadness because I miss Brianna so.

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