Yesterday, I took Lily to another doctor's appointment. She was so sweet, just lying there. It was a beautiful moment. Her calmness had the capacity to just suck me into it, and I was able to stop and appreciate the moment.
I don't want to mislead anyone. Lily cries a lot, and we're trying to find out why. But this morning, she was not crying, and I was able to listen.
There are times when I hear this voice that says I'm sticking around for a long time. I try to shake my head of that voice, afraid that I'm holding the Bazooka Bubble gum wrapper where the fortune says What you think will happen, won't. But every time I hear that voice, my heart does a flip. It wants to pound out of my chest and for a small, sweet moment, I envision a little girl running and jumping into her mommy's arms. The two turning in circles and laughing. It's like my heart is pumped with endorphins. It's a hope that I know every Trisomy 18 mommy craves. Just as soon as it begins, I force it to end. I am afraid. I fear it all crashing to the ground, so I try to keep my thoughts in the here and now. Lily is with us here, right now! For that, I am thankful.
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Hi Jill~
ReplyDeleteMy name is Karen Fahmer and I am mother to 4 amazing boys: Joshua, Jonathan, Jacob Ryan and Jeremiah. Jacob Ryan was born January 14th, 2008 and lived for 138 days with Trisomy 18. We blogged his every day, celebrated his every week with a birthday party and he was loved by everyone around him and the world. I see in your blog list many of my other mama "blogger friends" and I wanted to offer you my support and love. I just birthed Jeremiah a month ago so I am not online as much as I used to be but our blog is www.fahmer.blogspot.com. Jacob's life here was from Jan. 14-May31 and then we have had some amazing experiences since his death. Well, I hope to talk soon. Take care. Our blog email is babyjacobryan@gmail.com if you want to contact me. Oh, Michele Jamie told me about your blog. God Bless, Karen Fahmer
Yes, Lily is there with you right now...continue to live in the moment. I did and have no regrets, only much sadness because I miss Brianna so.
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