Friday, February 25, 2011

The Hardest Part

I thought the hardest part of having three children under the age of four was going to be, well, having three children under the age of four. It is hard. Physically demanding, I must say. And it kills me to think that I might not be giving each child the attention that he or she deserves, but I try my best.

But the hardest part, emotionally, has been the clothing. No, not the washing of the clothing, which I actually do a lot of, but the hand-me-downs. Lily's hand-me-downs. I truly thought my heart was going to break the first time I pulled out our bins of little girl's clothes. They were all Lily's at one time, and pulling them out brought back very strong memories of her in them.

It probably sounds silly, but as I pulled them out for Soleil and realized that we would probably be giving them away after she outgrew them, I felt like I was giving a piece of Lily up. There's no reason why we're going to need them once Soleil outgrows them, so really, there's no sense in keeping them. Still. . .

Dave and I talked about the pain that caused, and besides pulling up the past, he commented on how, especially back then, our lives were tied up in every moment of Lily's existence. That's just the way it is when you have a child statistics tell you probably won't live past her first birthday.

As for the clothes, yesterday I got out the bin that had the 0 - 3 months, 3 months, and 3 - 6 months clothes in them. It was shocking to see clothes in that bin that Lily was wearing when we moved here last summer. Shocking! Some of those clothes were 3 month sizes! Mainly because she was so skinny. Even more shocking is that she is currently outgrowing 12 month sizes. . . in less than a year's time! My what a difference a g-tube makes!


  1. I definately second that.. I can already see a difference in Mikayla with the g-tube, and it's only been two weeks. She is happier, more alert, is putting on weight! Can't BELIEVE it took me so long xx
    Thinking of you and your little crew as always xx

  2. It's amazing how far Lily has come~ how much she's grown. I can't imagine living with that kind of shadow over you, but experienced a valley of shallower proportions. My youngest daughter had a chronic blood disorder for years as a small child. There was always a remote possiblity that we could lose her. The blood disorder itself wasn't fatal, but the potential of internal bleeding from an injury was always lurking. That was enough for me. But watching God move and deliver her from that, was like watching Lily thrive~ watching a miracle unfold in front of you. Being part of a miracle is a miracle in itself. God bless.
    PS Your babies look beautiful! :)

  3. Taryn: I check Facebook and your blog every day to see if you've posted anything about Miks. I'm so glad to hear that the g-tube is making a difference. Hope you're getting a little more sleep now and surviving the SA heat!

    Penny: I learned a long time ago that our "shadows" are relative to what we're going through. By no means was yours "of shallower proportions." It was what you were having to deal with and I'm sure it was quite a scary situation for you. I'm so glad that a miracle unfolded for you as well.