Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Lily got out of the hospital on Friday!  While I rejoice that she is home, I think there's a part of me that is still trying to process the twelve days that she was in the hospital.

Maybe there's a certain kind of shock involved in all of this.

And there are certain aspects of it all that I just keep going back to.  Like the first morning.

Dave and I had texted early Monday morning, around 4:00, and the thought was that I would just go to work as normal, probably try to take a half day, and be at the hospital around noon.  Things felt comfortable in that decision.

Two hours later, I got a text from him saying Lily wasn't doing so well.  I might want to get the kids and get to the hospital.  That was not what I expected.  At all.

I just remember feeling panicked.  The kids were all asleep.  I had to not only call into work, but I also had to put in for a sub.  I just remember sitting at the computer, hands shaking, crying, "Oh my God.  Oh my God!  OH MY GOD!  OH. MY. GOD!"  A crescendo of prayers and pleas and disbelief and panic and fear all balled up into those three words.  Even reliving those words, here, now, brings a certain aftershock from that earthquake that rocked my soul.  I think my body even composed a quick tuck, a deep breath, and a muttered, "Help me do this, Lord" before I got up and figuratively and literally got it all together.

Luckily, my in-laws got to the house before I left, so I was on the road to the hospital alone.  And this is the part I feel compelled to share.  While my legs felt like rubber and my thoughts were on how I couldn't wait to get to Lily and sing our "Jolly Holiday" song, there was also this sensation of peace that seemed to be floating all around me.

It's the same sensation I felt in the PICU.  Now sure, I was worried, but through it all, that whisper of peace hovered around that room.

One of my favorite songs these days is a song called "Just Be Held" by the band Casting Crowns.  While my favorite line in the song is "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place," I think this song more powerfully describes exactly what that peace I felt in the car and in hospital was.

I was simply being. . .held.

Take a listen:

So tonight, my prayer, my friend, is that whatever your trouble, no matter how minor, that you, too, find the peace in Him when you give all that trouble over and Just. Be. Held.

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