Friday, June 5, 2009

Lo siento

The Spanish phrase for I'm sorry is Lo siento. Literally translated, lo siento means I feel it. I think about that phrase a lot. In English, it seems as if we say I'm sorry with quite a few different meanings. Sometimes, I've just given a quick sorry. I've said it after making mistakes and as a form of sympathy. But these meanings never produced the same emotional apology within me.

Today, I think lo siento is more appropriate. Laurie's little Toot was born into heaven on June 2. I left a comment for her and told her that I was sorry and that my heart breaks for her. My words betrayed me. I feel so much more. I feel confusion. Why Toot? Why not Lily? I feel punched. I know what I would want to do--just lie down in bed, balled up, not willing to do anything. Numb. I know how a part of me would be missing, just like she described. I feel the days and weeks and months of grieving and the grey that clouds a heart. I feel the deep sighs and the chokes and the how am I going to get over this saddness. I feel her loss.

Though I've not lost a child, I imagined it so many times before Lily was born. I have felt it threaten each time Lily has had an apnea spell. Like I said, it is so much more appropriate, this time, to say to Laurie, "Lo siento."


  1. I have been checking in on her and was worried that there were no updates. Your post makes so much sense but then again like you say "Why Toot, Why not mine"? You are still traveling such a hard road that those feeling will creep up so often. Praying them away and also praying for Laurie.

  2. What an appropriate spanish terminology. We so often flippantly use the words "I'm sorry", but "Lo siento" will take on new meaning for me now. I am grieving for Toot as well tonight.

  3. Very good words. I understand.

  4. I am praying all is well with your family. Checking in on Lily.