Thursday, August 20, 2009

Back at work

I have decided to go back to work. It has not been an easy decision, and I'm still not 100% sure that it's been the right decision, but for the most part, I'm at peace with it.
Call me crazy, but we hired a young girl who has no nursing or education experience. Actually, she's doing a great job, and I commend her for being willing to take this position. She's watching both Lily and Gabriel, and that takes a lot of energy. Good thing she's young! But even more so, I commend her because she was willing to take this position knowing Lily's condition. Dave and I were very honest with her from the beginning. We told her of Lily's fragility and even warned her that even though Lily is doing very well right now, that may not always be the case.
I think we've made the right decision for a number of reasons. (1) This keeps Gabriel out of daycare and away from the germ-fest going on there. Besides the fact that he goes to church nursery, this should help keep A LOT of germs at bay. (2) Feeding Lily every three hours (remember, she won't take a bottle) is exhausting. I've been given permission to come home and feed her, so I'm very fortunate to have such an understanding boss. But there's more. I'll probably regret this feeling later, but I was beginning to feel as if I was dragging a ball and chain. Sure, I still feed her every three hours, but I get that break from the kids by being at work. Sadly, it's work that gives me that break. (3) Autumn is a senior this year. By not working, our budget would be VERY tight. I don't think it would be fair to her to keep certain senior privileges away from her. She's a good kid, and I think she'd be a good sport about it, but none of this is her fault, and I'd like for this year to be special for her. (4) Dave and I have a great relationship, but even great relationships can be stretch, especially when stress over money looms over you. I'd like to avoid that at all costs!
There are a few reasons I think I'm making the wrong decisions. (1) The obvious. I want to spend as much time with Lily as possible. (And I think she wants to spend as much time with me. She's definitely a mommy's girl right now.) (2) We've got the extra stress of trying to sell our house. It's especially hard when I've been at work all day long and I get a text asking if they can show the house at 4:30. Rushing home to straighten things for a showing is worse than doing "The Saw" in Pilates! (I hate "The Saw" in Pilates!) (3) When I'm doing something, I like to finish my task before I stop what I'm doing. I can't necessarily do that. Every three hours, I'm having to stop what I'm doing so I can feed Lily. I guess that would happen even if I were at home, but the beginning of the school year brings me a lot of work, and this year, there are lots of interruptions.
But I come home, and I'm so glad to see both Lily and Gabriel. I've missed them throughout the day, and it's such a fresh feeling, one that I don't really get when I've been at home all day long. They know I love them, and that gives me a lot of comfort.

1 comment:

  1. All your reasons for returning to work are valid reasons. Working mom guilt is hard to deal with, though, even harder under your circumstances I'm sure. I can't imagine the stress you're under.
    I just changed schools (teacher) and my youngest daughter is a high school Senior, but I have none of the other stressors you mentioned. Hope your house sells soon and Lily continues to do so well.
    I think it's awesome your boss is so understanding and as rushed as feeding her has to make you feel, it still gives you opportunities to check on Lily and Gabriel. I'm sure all of it will become routine soon and will get easier. =)